There’s no going back. In fact, you may not even want to. The thing is, I’ve been here before, I’ve had my world suddenly come to a complete stand still, forced to let go of everything, my job, my health, my income, my home, everything. I had to let go of all the plans I made and let go of every goal I was going to achieve.
To be blunt, it was terrifying.
I was staring all my worst fears in the eye and not receiving any answers to my most immediate questions. I was flooded with impossible scenarios, and felt like there was no way out, as if I was washed out to sea with no ability to swim and no land in sight.
Before, I was working at the speed of overwhelm, living in fear of never making enough, exhaustion of trying to keep up, giving most of my precious energy to a company instead of the people I loved, pushing my body beyond its breaking point while never stopping to appreciate how blessed I was to have this body in the first place.
I can’t help but see the parallel between my personal experience with a health crisis, five years ago today to be exact, and what we’re experiencing today as a whole society. It was time to stop, it was no bump in the road. It was a full stop.
Cancer is what it took for me to stop. Stop living in fear of what others think, stop meeting demands and expectations created by someone else. Stop agreeing to things that are not meant for me. Stop giving my energy to people and businesses who will only continue to drain it. Stop taking my incredible life for granted. Stop taking this beautiful planet for granted. It’s the truth of living and loving that I never want to forget.
It’s a birthday of sorts for me today, the anniversary of my double mastectomy. There’s before and there’s after. But there’s no going back.
The beauty about letting go of everything, is now you have space to see what it is you truly want. You can choose to see a barren field of destruction or you can see the freshly tilled soil, free from weeds and ready for planting the seeds of your truest desires.
Choose what you want in your life piece by piece,
seed by seed, row by row.
Choose deliberately how you spend your energy and who you spend it with. Choose how you want to live and how you want to show up for your own life. You choose it, live with clearer boundaries and greater freedom than you ever thought possible before.
I have a lot to remember, I’m so human and I often forget to follow this path of freedom. Each time I wander off or get distracted from this truth I am brought back to remembrance and I am so grateful for this as my guide, as I continue moving forward in this new way.
This time we can do it together.
AND A NOTE TO MY FIRST RESPONDERS, a toast to you on my five year anniversary!
For all the battles you fought on my behalf that I wasn’t aware of or even awake for, my goodness, thank you.
To my surgeons who thoughtfully cut through my heart space five years ago today, removed my breasts and did their absolute best to leave me as whole as possible. Thank you for all the hours and years you spent developing your skills, believing in your vision, learning and doing it with precision, care and compassion. I bow to you.
Especially, to the surgeon who took on the hospital and fought for more time for me so she could do her best work possible. You are the best! Truly.
For the doctors and nurses and staff that answered my relentless questions and brought me more pillows than I ever needed, your patience deserves a Medal of Honor.
To the doctors who confused and misdirected me, thank you for showing me what I didn’t want, it pushed me to find a better way.
To all the people who showed up to support me in all the sweet ways, many of you surprised me, I hadn’t seen this part of you before and I promise you, I will not forget. I love you.
To all the people I thought would show up for me that didn’t, I’m okay, it hurt at first but I’ve released it and let you go. Thank you.
My daughters, my parents, my partner, my brothers, my sisters, you did everything, you are my everything. Every day, every night, every morning, you were (are) there. Making smoothies, washing my hair, draining drains, managing meds, fighting for me, cleaning my fridge, praying and lord only knows what else. You loved me through it all, made me laugh, let me cry, provided unwavering compassion, gave me all the time I needed to heal and man did I take my time. You never wavered, I love you forever and ever.
For every message, card, kind word, load of laundry, supportive deed, car ride and meal delivered that all of you ever offered me, thank you. You are all wildly amazing humans. I love you. Join me in a virtual celebration of how awesome you are! And please let me know if I can ever be of service.