I can't believe I was mad at Her




I can't believe I was mad at Her. She was doing the best she could and I was mad. Mad that she got sick, I felt like she let me down. This wasn’t in the plan. I had a family to take care of, work and bills to pay. How dare she stop me.

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It hurts my heart now to think of how mad I was at my own body.

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I disconnected even more from her during all the treatments, surgeries and procedures. I felt like I had to in order to allow them to take place, to just get through it and over it. I wish the anger had stopped there, it didn’t. Once I was declared cancer free by my doctors, which isn’t a term I personally use, and told I could lead a normal, active, healthy life… I tried that, what did that even mean though?

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The road to a normal life is not at all what I imagined it would be. After many painful detours, I finally landed on the one single truth that would lead me to a healthy, joyful life. I needed to forgive my body, I needed to have compassion for Her, I needed to love and appreciate all that She had been through. I could see this strength and beauty so clearly in other women, that I saw as survivors, somehow I had not applied that same compassion to myself.

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Man, I had a lot to learn about body love and self love! There was no going back to this because it’s not something I ever had in the first place. Going back to normal wasn’t going to work for me, what I needed was a whole new way of being, a whole new way of showing up for myself.

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The more I showed up with love and compassion for myself, the more I showed up with love and compassion for the people and things that I care about in the world. I have learned that there really is no other way. And we can’t do it alone. I had an army of women behind me and in front of me, holding me up, supporting me and showing me the way.